All of Your Stashes Are Belong to Us*
Well now, where were we? Oh yes. La was going to Knit from her Stash for six months. And I was going to help her by uniting the blog world against her with my How Long Will This Stash Knitting Last Contest, causing her to stiffen her resolve, dig in her heels and otherwise be spurred on to greater things by the pressure. [3 cliches in one sentence for those who are counting] Because that’s the kind of friend I am; loving and supportive. Wendy pointed out that La kicked smoking and thinks that it means she can kick yarn buying, too. I’m so proud of La for that one, but you have to remember, she wanted to stop smoking. (I had a bunch of stuff in here about how her weakness in this case was that she didn’t really want to quit yarn, she was roped in because she’d shot her mouth off, but I recant that now.) Being the loving and supportive friend I am, I thought we, the internet, could take a look at her so-called “rules” and see where we could make suggestions to put her on the true path to self-improvement. Yes, yes, yes, it’s true that this Knit From Your Stash Heresy lets you make up your own rules, but she put them on the internet, and left her comments open which to me says, “Cry For Help“, don’t you agree?
A few people wanted some clarifications before they could guess accurately, so here they are:
(This is where I had some harsh stuff about her moral character that I have since deleted.)
There was some question as to whether she was going to Stitches because that would change people’s guesses for her Fall Off The Wagon date. I asked her and she says she is not going to Stitches West. She has no plans to travel between now and then, but hell she never leaves her home so she considers going to the Valley “travel”. She might trick other knitters into coming to her house to knit, though. This could lead to unauthorized gift/souvenir/swap yarn or something. She’s sneaky. (I had a story of her sneakiness here to illustrate to what depths she is willing to sink, but why dig up the past? ) Still, if she suddenly at the last second decides to go to Stitches, it’s still in the state and that means NO SOUVENIR YARN. Likewise TNNA.
Her husband thinks that any yarn that comes in a box is yarn she paid for, so I think we have an inside line on any and all yarn entering the house. Not believing in gift yarn, I think we can get him to rat out anyone sending her presents of yarn to tide her over until July. While it’s not against the rules to send her yarn, I think we should know who our enemies are, don’t you? I keep meaning to email him but the wool fumes coming off her stash page are killing my brain cells and I’m growing forgetful. (I had a snide comment about her choice of title for that page, but I decided to let it ride.)
I think it’s only fair to let you know that she caves under pressure. It could be three days to the end and she might still say “aw screw it, I almost made it” without qualms, so any and all guesses are valid. At SAFF she was done buying yarn early on. Done. D-O-N-E. But then in the last 4 minutes she ran down to get one more skank because she couldn’t stand not having some Brooks Farm when other people had some. Take this into consideration when you enter your guess.
Now let’s review her rules, which have been referred to across the internet as the “loosest rules in the knit along”.
1. Knit from stash until June 30: Wasn’t the original pledge for NINE months, not SIX? I quote: 1. The Knit-From-Your-Stash-a-Thon will start January 1, 2007 and run through September 30, 2007 — a period of nine months. What makes you so special that you only have to take on six months worth? What , exactly, is happening in July??? I think we’d all like to know. Here’s a challenge for you: Moratorium on buying knitting books for these paltry six months. Or, if you’d like to buy knitting books, extending the stash knitting to the regulation NINE months. (originally this was worded much more strongly, but I’m so nice.)
2a Sock yarn doesn’t count: Challenge: You have enough yarn to knit at least 21 pairs of socks on your stash page. Are you really sure you’re going to knit through that in nine six months? In fact, you have more sock yarn than anything, it really seems like you need an intervention here. A few months ago you didn’t even like knitting socks. And yes, I know some of it is for knitting socks for other people, but you still get the pleasure of knitting them so I don’t see what difference that makes.
2b Yarn for dyeing doesn’t count: Challenge: It does if you don’t sell it or give it away. You could buy blank yarn and dye it and stick it in the stash. Since it’s sock yarn, and you have demonstrated that you have a sock yarn problem, we would only be hurting you if we didn’t clarify this. Don’t you think you should change this rule to state that as long as you sell it or give it away by the time this thing is over it’s not stash?
2c If someone asks for a specific knitted gift: Challenge: Now who asks for specific gifts? Greedy people who don’t deserve them! And don’t you think it would show the true spirit of the stashy thing if you were to say, well I can make that for you after Sept. 30 June 30th? I personally know of at least one thing that you have both the yarn and the pattern for to make a specific gift for someone (she asked for this item, too) but instead you made her a shawl. So I know that you are capable of putting “specific gifts” off. I could help you by talking to your husband about this so he can intervene and tell people you can’t knit them anything for the duration.
2d If I run out of yarn to finish a project: Ok, that’s reasonable. And so is this challenge: When you begin a new project, you have to disclose to us how much yarn it will require and how much you have. Starting a project that you know you don’t have the yarn for just so you can run out and get a fix sounds like cheating.
2e Out of state yarn: Ok, yes I addressed that above, and Solvang is NOT out of the state, either. Challenge: No getting out of it with tacking on “state…..of delirium” or something similar. I’m on to you.
2f Knit Alongs: (I had some stuff about how she hates KALs but that I know she’s sneaky. I took that out.)
2g Traveling stash: OK. Challenge: you can’t apply rules 2d or 2f to yarn you took out of the box. And really, shouldn’t this be your one and only swap? We’d hate to see you just rotating your stash instead of reducing it.
2h Get out of jail free card: Challenge: Don’t you at LEAST think you should have a dollar limit? Or a store limit. Ok, let’s say if you get it at Joann’s or Michael’s or Walmart, UNLIMITED. But if it’s a real yarn store, let’s say no more than $80.00. That’s enough for a sweater if you plan wisely. What do you say?
3 Gift yarn is exempt: Shameless begging!! Alright, then, I am sending out a Challenge to everyone out there. If you want to send La a gift, don’t send yarn or yarn store gift certificates. Donate to a worthy charity in her name. Here she is proclaiming to the world that she has too much yarn, so you’ll only be hurting her if you enable her to have more. She has other hobbies, you know! Like organizing. Get her a gift certificate to Hold Everything or the Container Store, she’d love that. Send her ziploc bags, she’s a fangirl. Email me and I’ll give you some idea that doesn’t have anything to do with the acquisition of yarn! Please, people, help La beat this!! (I had something about “take that beggar” but it sounded so mean!)
Here are some areas that we noticed you didn’t cover. We thought that in the interest of Becoming A Better Person, you should really take a critical look at them.
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PRIZE YARN. Should people who are trying to reduce their stash really be eligible for contest yarn? Shouldn’t you commit to selecting another winner if you inadvertently win some?
CLASSES: I know it’s unlikely, but say you signed up for a class and it required you to buy yarn. That wouldn’t be right, would it?
SALES: You never really said the words “no matter how good the sale is, I won’t buy yarn, even if it’s free.” Shouldn’t you?
YARN CLUBS: You aren’t planning to join any, right? You wouldn’t want to violate your vow, I’m sure.
FIBER FESTIVALS: Yes, you said you aren’t going to SW, but what if you decide to up and go to Taos, or Estes, or fly to Maryland? Fiber festivals have historically been very dangerous to your stash. Think about that.
FULL DISCLOSURE: Your friends and relatives not privy to this blog need to know that you are not allowed to receive yarn. I mean, how can they help you if you don’t email or otherwise inform them that you are participating in some kind of Save the World scheme and refuse to receive any type of knitterly gift until this is over? (Again, I had some really evil stuff here, but, look! I can play well with others!)
And for a clarification on our part: Because we are not ogres, we exempt the following acquisitions: fun fur, or any other eyelash yarn; Red Heart, but only the high squeak stuff; Lion Brand; that plastic gel yarn; anything that glows in the dark; spinning wheels, roving, harvesting your pets for yarn, tinking out old projects and recycling yarn. (See? Nice!)
La? We, the internet, believe you can do better than your original pledge. What do you say?
If anyone who has already put in a guess wants to change it in light of these rules, let me know. Otherwise, I will be putting all guesses into a database and the closest guess without going over wins. To make it more fun for the contestants, I will consider anything you do to “break” her so you can win FAIR PLAY. Be creative. Send her loads and loads of links to yarn sales. Sign her up for web special notifications. Be sure to put really nice, tantalizing pictures of yarn on your blog with lengthy descriptions of how nice it feels, what it smells like and how much you love it, then send her a link. Apart from knitpicks, I’m not sure what catalogs she gets, but she could probably use a few more. I mean the yarn diet won’t last forever, and she’ll be treating herself to something nice when it’s done, so she’ll need ideas. As it was pointed out, there will be all new yarns coming out for spring. She’ll probably want a heads-up on those. Take a look at her stash database and find beautiful patterns in a yarn she doesn’t have then send her patterns. She could stand to broaden her horizons, after all. Remember, this is not mean, it is HELPFUL. You will be helping to make La a stronger person. Leave a comment or email me directly with the day you think she’ll fall off the wagon. If your date wins, you will get prizes. As soon as I figure out what prizes, I’ll let you know. They will be fibery and good, though. In fact? There will be a prize from me and a prize from La’s stash. That was her idea, (something about how that’s a sneaky way of divesting herself of stash and how I have a plan to thwart her used to be in this spot.)
There will also be prizes for La-not just if she makes it, but the potential for prizes for her along the way. A few people expressed interest in contributing to the “La prizes”. Email me directly( jennifer dot knitting at yahoo dot com) because I have an “incentive” plan for her that needs to be addressed.
And for those of you who are wondering WHY I wimped out and went a little easier on her than originally intended? I up and joined the UFO Resurrection Challenge 2007. And you know she’s going to come down on me. And, you may not know this, but:
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* This is not so much just bad grammar to annoy Norma, but a rip-off of gamer-speak. If it annoys her, that’s fine, too.
January 11th, 2007 at 11:16 am
oh my oh my oh my…what a friend you are….this is one of the funniest, snarkiest blogs ive ever read (wet your pants funny) Now, what if a gift of yarn was purchased before start of yarn diet date????? what does one do?????
January 11th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Now that is toughlove. You go! Don’t let friends buy more yarn. I’m sure this is hurting you more than it’s hurting her. You’re doing this for her own good! She’ll thank you someday.
You’re making me want to clean up my stash. I have 15 skeins of orange wool I’ll never use.
You can do it La!
January 11th, 2007 at 11:43 am
Yes, what about yarn purchased for La before the start date? I still have a christmas present that needs to mailed.
Jen’s a-skaired of what rules La will give her! HAHAHAHA! Of course you should be…anyone with an ounce of legal-ese is a dangerous foe.
Maybe I shouldn’t have threatened to send her info about the sock from hell. Or maybe I did send it to her >:)
January 11th, 2007 at 11:50 am
i’ll go for my birthday, april 1.
January 11th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
I have to say, I’m not worthy of that kindred spirit award. Even I couldn’t have come up with something even close to this snarky. I mean, helpful to La. mwah
I’m guessing she’ll cave by March 1st.
January 11th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
That’s pretty durn awesome. Hey, LA, NOW you can buy fun fur for hats for the little sick children! Woohoo!
January 11th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
I sense a good smack down coming from La.
Although from the sounds of it, I think I may throw in a guess anyway. I’ll say that she will cave by May 31st.
January 11th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
The Ides of March and a day.
January 11th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
I’m going to take the high road here and join with Wendy and say that La will make it through the six months and possibly keep going for the full 9 months just to spite you. Of course I realize that this was your original intent, to spur her on to victory with all your taunting. Go La!!! I just had a thought…maybe we could make cheer pom poms out of some stash yarn and cheer La from the sidelines, what do you think?
January 11th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Well, we already know that I’m a KFYS Enabler, what with the contests and whatnot. Hmmmm. I’m going to reserve making a date until after this weekend. (going to lunch at La’s, but only bringing with me what I’m knitting)
January 11th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
How about the grand prize being La’s stash? Then, when it’s over, she gets to start a whole new stash and fill that shopping void for 9 or 6 or 4 months she missed?
January 11th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
You forgot to cover the concept of trading yarn. Is it okay for her to trade yarn out of her stash with others?
I didn’t guess before so now I’m going to guess April 23.
January 11th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
Oh wow..that was amazing!!
January 11th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
Sounds very rough, I vote for May 13th.
January 11th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
1. Sock yarn doesn’t count? Man! Think of all the lace yarn I could but in the guise of sock yarn. Boy, she is sneaky isn’t she?
2. Yarn for dyeing? Aw, come on! Who is she fooling here? And I must say I disagree with your implication that yarn for dying = sock yarn. And buying is buying – intended as a gift or not. (But then I was raised Catholic –all black & white you know.)
3. Yarn to finish a project? Wow. That’s stretching it. How much of the same yarn in the same dye lot is really out there to be found to match what is already in her stash? Good call on the “up front disclosure†ruling too.
4. Out of state? Who out there believes that one? 70% of my yarn purchases are from out of state. Isn’t that what Etsy, knitpicks, Elann, and all those are all about? And if Solvang counts as out of state, do Half Moon Bay & SF count too?
5. No, I think if she is swapping yarn, she isn’t increasing the size of her stash, so swapping shouldn’t. La, E me – have I got a deal for you! Oops.
6. OMG! (And I DO SO hate the expression, but it was the only thing that could express my glee at you having read my mind. And thanks for the OK.) I was totally thinking of sending her links to all my favorite new yarn sources –especially one hand dyed that smells like an English flower garden, is as soft as an angel’s breath, and is in colors that would make a sunset envious. Did I mention unbelievable – irresistible prices? See below -but not La of course.
7. Guess # 1 – February 14th. She will undoubtedly ‘need’ new yarn as a Valentine’s gift (to her)and I’m betting that no one will give it to her. In light of that, she will have to buy her own present. Does that constitute a cheat? Buying your own present, I mean. Even if it is wrapped up in red hearts paper and has a bow?
8. Guess # 2 – March 8th. The date looms significant in my mind. If I have to choose just one date –that’s it.
9. All that being said, I have seen her stash page. And all I can say to La is, “You poor, poor dear! No wonder you need to buy more yarn! What are you thinking calling that a stash? That is a sad, lonely little collection of yarn. How distressing it must be for you! I was anticipating page after page of yarns in all sizes, textures and hues. I was expecting a ROOM FULL of yarn. That collection is a whisper at best. You are an important name in knitting circles. Don’t you feel a little embarrassed at showing the miniscule amount of yarn you have collected. Your “Stash†should be a veritable wonderland of yarn; something that screams, “I am La’s yarn! I belong to someone important! I am fruitful and I multiply!†Aw, honey. What are you thinking? Your ‘stash’ couldn’t even fill one of my closets. I need an entire garage to hold my stash. Try and keep up for gosh sakes! Now, go buy some nice mohair. Or better still - http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5006150 it is all good there. And out of state too. Not that I think that counts…â€
10. I was going to post this as a comment, but I don’t really know either of you well enough to say things like that to either of you. So for now all I will say is, “Good luck to you both!â€
B
January 11th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Remember La SPINNING fiber is POTENTIAL! Jen even said so. It doesn’t count! Need a fix? Buy some Roving! Feeling Shaky? Rolags Rock! A little Desperate? Find a cat!
I say that you make it all the way. You can do it!
January 11th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
OK, so slap a big L on my forhead and call me “Looser.”
The reason I logged in in the first place was to share some news. Sorry - I got so caught up in your loving support of La that I forgot my original purpose.
Socks for Audrey has its own (her own) blog now. It can be found at:
http://socksforaudrey.blogspot.com/
Could you share the info with anyone you think might want to help? Thank you!
Also, Jen, you offered to help. Do you mind if I call in that offer now? I need help getting the lovely button for Audrey to work as a link to her blog page & also making it “stealable” so people can grab it and put it on their blog too. Any help you could give would be great. I tried blogger help, but no luck in the how to department. Anyone out there in reader-land, I am open to learning anything you want to share with me to make Audrey’s blog better.
The goal is to support Audrey through all the nasties of treatment and stupid thoughtless surgeons and send her oceans of love and socks until she is recovered. Once she is well, the hope is that Socks for Audrey will have picked up steam and we can knit socks for other young people -and wee little people too- who are going through the same thing. Then Audrey can look at what is being accomplished & know she was the spark behind it. To those of you who don’t know, Zoe is the loving spirit who started this endeavor by asking for help to knit socks for Audrey. Yeah Zoe! There is a special place in heaven reserved for the Zoes of the world; you know who you are.
Love and thanks to all who are ’socking’ for Audrey. And to Gail, (of Gail and the Scale) who was the first to send Audrey a pair of (awesome) socks, yeah Gail! Thank you!
January 11th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
I think you have effectively roadblocked all her loopholes. Lawyers should fear you.
January 11th, 2007 at 5:51 pm
there’s nothing in there about knitting notions and books - i think that it fair game…..
January 11th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
I think a real friend wouldn’t let her make such rash promises in the first place. The cruelty. The horror.
I give her until…..March 5th. Hey, it’s longer than Lent.
(BTW, I love that button! I’ve been telling people that for years.)
January 11th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
I’m in ur stash, knitting ur yarn.
January 11th, 2007 at 7:59 pm
Dear Jen,
Sometimes temptation is greatest just before it’s over. I’m going to put my money on my own birthday, June 23.
Good luck, La!!!
January 11th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Man o man, the claws are out
I’m so glad I’m not much of a joiner. There’s too much pressure.
T
January 11th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
LOL - I bet she’s going out of state now, for the Jennifleur smackdown!
January 11th, 2007 at 10:24 pm
Good thing you left out the really mean stuff.
My money’s on La making it all the way!
January 11th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
I bow to you. You’re good.
January 12th, 2007 at 9:04 am
I’ve got to make a guess. I’ll say May 18th. But because I’ve made a guess, she’ll make it if it stays for just 6 months.
January 12th, 2007 at 11:24 am
You are SUCH a good friend. =D
And I vote for April 1st. Day La falls off the stash wagon. First official day of our civilian life. April Fool’s Day. Seems appropriate for all three. Yes? =)
January 12th, 2007 at 11:30 am
I had to say thanks for the “All Your Base Are Belong To Us” reference. It never fails to crack me up.
January 12th, 2007 at 11:46 am
You know, I was going to change my earlier comment and pick a date on which La will cave, but then I looked at her stash page. Sweet Jesus! I stand by my original vote of confidence - you can do it, La!
January 12th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
Jen, I’ll bring a red scarf to work on along with the wheel. You?
January 12th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
OK, I’m betting that she’s serious here, but all the posts after people attend Maryland Sheep & Wool will be what makes her cave in - May 8th.
January 12th, 2007 at 6:26 pm
You are really putting the screws to her (hey, Norma) with these revised rules. I went for six months as well, but that is only because I read La’s rules and thought that was the term. Clearly, I was misled!
January 12th, 2007 at 7:43 pm
You sure you have enough hit points for La’s response, babe?
January 13th, 2007 at 10:16 am
I tried to read the whole thing. I did. But I also got a phone call and my mind is wandering. Perhaps it’s the whole idea of a stash moratorium. I can’t wrap my brain around it. Imagine someone doing that.
January 14th, 2007 at 11:22 am
Umm, I know I couldn’t even do it for a month. So I’m going to guess low here and say March 15th. Not that I don’t have faith that she can do it. But come on, buying yarn is so much fun. I mean think of all the new colors that will make you want to spin and the softness of the. . . . okay i’ll stop. hee. hee.