Battle Royalé (which is pronounced roy-AL-ay)
You might not be aware of it, but there’s a war in Blogistan. [We're probably not allowed to use that werd anymore, though.] There is a roving Band of Prigs who have started something called The Red Marker Project. The Wiki entry has this to say about pedants:
“Pedantry can also be an indication of certain developmental disorders. In particular those with Asperger Syndrome, or Higher Functioning Autism, often have behavior characterized by pedantic speech. Those with Asperger’s tend to obsess over the minutiae of subjects, and are prone to giving long detailed expositions, and the related corrections, and may gravitate to careers in academia or science where such obsessive attention to detail is often rewarded.”
If our Ladies of the High Horse had their way, they’d come edit your posts for you so they are more appeaselling to them in grammar, punctuation, sentence structure and spelling. They would like you to censor your use of ellipsis… and other things. [Like brackets] And deletions strikethroughs. They are infuriated by your overuse of cliche phrases like “stick a fork in it”. They want to revoke your travel visa to “sleeve island”. We know it’s crazy, but they’re “just sayin’”, ya know? Wait, there’s a long list of other infractions. That part where we didn’t bother looking up the html code to put that little accent thingamabobadoodle on the end of ‘cliche’ is prolly bugging them right now. So is ‘prolly’. And those partial sentences. And the part where you begin a sentence with a conjuction is high on the list, as whale. And fenetic spelling is right out. They like, really totally dispise the way some people pluralize their word’s with the apostrophe-ess. [Whom we believe is the Queen of Apostrophes, but we could be vocabucreationating, there.] They would greatly prefer that for all intensive purposes, you leave off with your malapropism’s. In fact, we’re pretty sure they’d like you to do more proofreading before you hit your publish button because they believe that an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of cure.
We’re not entirely sure how we ended up on the opposite side from Norma. Seriously, that thing with the ['s] for plurals is really about as ugly as a mud fence. And we ain’t not just wistlin’ dixie. But we do love us some slang, dude. And finding prepositions to end sentences with. Which, according to the site Norma linked, ISN’T an error. And neither is a split infinitive, but we digress. And digression is the better part of valor. So what we’re trying to say is that while we agree with them on certain things like it/it’s and fucks/fuck’s and and “definately” really drives Jen off the freekin’ deep end, we are REALLY attached to certain STYLE things…like emphasis, for one. Also, our favorite beginning for any sentence would be a tie between ‘and’, ‘but’ or ’so’. And we don’t want them taking away our beloved overused blogland vernacular. We can’t be expected to put our comma’s in the correct places everytime we post, can we? Or any other punctuationary divises. And we figure there are more people like us out there. People who want to write in a certain “voice” to convey a certain “feeling” even if it requires the use of many more “quote marks” than is really technically “necessary”. Jen once worked on a show with this kid actor who could never ever ever ever EVAR remember his lines and when, for the billionth time the director started to give him his line, he protested, “I KNOW MY LINES, I JUST DON’T SAY THEM.” That’s what we’re talkin’ ’bout. We know grammar [sort (of)], we just don’t USE it.
Are you a Punctuation Punk? A Grammatical Guerilla? A Spellin’ Felon? A Cliche Criminal? Are you guilty of Contraction Infractions? Could you be described as an Ellipsis Enthusiast? An Apostrophe Apostate? A Parenthetical Pariah? A Bracket Brigand? Are you Homophone Phobic? A confirmed Slang Slinger? Redundancy Repeat Offender? Redundancy Repeat Offender? Are you Partial to Partial Sentences? A renowned Capitalization Convict? A Diction Defrauder? An Idiom Idiot? A Punctuation Public Enemy? Could any of the following apply to you: Cliche Crazy? Transitive Transgressor? Strikethrough Scofflaw? Superlative Sinner? Participle Proletariat? Adverb Assassin? Run-on Roustabout? Voracious Vocabucreatologist? Literacy Lazeabout? Verbosity Vandal? Malapropism Malefactor? Homonym Heretic? Emphasis Evil-doer? Mixed Metaphor Miscreant? Maybe you just reallllllllly like the thesaurus?
Well, we all have our crosses to bare. If you, too, refuse to wake up and smell the coffee, and think you can whether the storm then throw your hands in the air and wave ‘em like you just don’t care. Join the rebellion.
————————————————————————————–
The LINGUISTIC LIBERATION FRONT
The few, the loud, the ignorant.
Time to exercise those demons! All bets are oft! We’ve got an axed to grind! We’re prepared to split hares! Let’s get ready to rum ball! There’s a lime in the sand! All’s fare in love and war! Don’t take your blogging rights for granite! Say it loud, say it proud, say I kin speel real goode!
—————————————————————————————
One thing we do agree with Norma on, though: this is all in good fun. So if you have no scents of humor, we suggest you go back to watching c-span and pretend you never saw this. We do hope you don’t think we’re making a mountain out of a molehill, but that’s the whole kettle of fish in a nutshell.
Edited to add: Yes, the wiki thing is also a joke, intended to illustrate that it is spurious and annoying to quote wiki entries as fact.
January 6th, 2007 at 8:43 am
Did someone say rum balls? Mmmm.
And I’d like to accept the official role of Switzerland on this one, please.
January 6th, 2007 at 9:00 am
Dood, I. am. so. in. Definetly.
January 6th, 2007 at 9:32 am
Brava, ladies!
Let us not forget the acronymical assassin! I am SO LMFAO! (P.S. I hadn’t realized that you could put the accent on the wrong syl-A-ble in writing until I saw “Battle Royale” at the top of this page!) Poor Norma! Everyone in the blogisphere using gross grammar, pernicious punctuation, and continuous cliches! What fun!
January 6th, 2007 at 9:42 am
I LOVE youse guys!
Although, in your last paragraph you used “axed” wrong. You “ax” a question…as in “I axed you to go shopping for yarn”!
January 6th, 2007 at 9:43 am
And all against anti-alliteration antagonists acclaim aye!
January 6th, 2007 at 9:55 am
Fuckit, anyone who can make me laugh like this is alright in MY book! I bough to you’re impressave grateness! (and I fear I’m totally out of my leage!)
I’m totally lovin’ that kid who said, “I know my lines — I just don’t say them!” OMG, that should be a real line in a movie.
Red Pen Gestapo, signing off!
January 6th, 2007 at 10:15 am
Booh-Yahhh!! I just “snorgaul’d” my coffee readin’ this post. Too funny!
January 6th, 2007 at 11:21 am
Ah, fuck. I hope they don’t find us, cause I’m screwed!
Loved the post. Ever since we started blogging, I’ve been waiting for someone to say, “Nice sweater, but you use of the comma is horrible.”
January 6th, 2007 at 11:23 am
Hey! I resemble all those remarks. All of them. I rebel against your rebellion. But I am not a member of the Red Pen league. I just sit back and feel smug when I see such things.
January 6th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
…in this corner…weighing in at a combined djlt lbs… THE LINGUISTIC LIBERATION FRONT!
…and in the other corner…weighing in at a combined igfd lbs… THE RED MARKER PROJECT!
This one is promising to be a good one folks with the Red Marker Project coming in as the underdog. They have their work cut out for them, but those red marks can be devastating!
…and there’s the bell!…
January 6th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
My previous job required me to read and respond to about 100 emails daily. Just to keep my sanity, I had to overlook so many misspellings, typos, bad grammar usages, and OH DEAR HEAVENS THE CAPS-LOCK PEOPLE. It was so bad, I feared that my razor-sharp sense of grammar and spelling would be dulled.
Only a litle.
January 6th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Awsum!
January 6th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
omg. omg. omg.
I am so overwhelmed by emotion right now ::You get me. You REALLY get me.:: and unfuckablievable admiration,I am temporarily rendered untypable.
January 6th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
okay. After my eyes cleared from the tears, I went back for a reread.
An ounce of pretension…?
I’m down for another count.
January 6th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
On a totally different subject:
I found the “Socks for Audrey” button on
http://knittingdogsandparrot.blogspot.com/2006/11/kal-request.html
but it doesn’t seem to link anywhere.
Someone thought you would know the specifics on the button. I would like to add it to my blogg but only if it works. I know all about Audrey & Zoe’s blogg but no luck finding the KAL.
Any suggestions?
Thank you!
B
January 6th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
The brilliance of this post is beyond words.
I was going to suggest that maybe tempting Norma was like shooting a bear with a BB gun. (An annoyed bear can really smack you down, we hear.) I do believe that I had underestimated you.
Exercising demons. Glorious. Those fuckers have a few pounds to lose anyway.
January 6th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
Well sed, fo’ shizzle!!! I’m just sayin’…..
Of course, in, “real life” I’m a teacher so I sorta have to embrace the concept of the red marker. But, mine is purple! And it smells like grapes…
January 6th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
I LOVE the button and have definitely saved it to put on my own blog.
And just to ad a litle to the wor efort, I wanted two say that Im geting my masters’ in uncunventional warfair. Breeng it on.
Huked ahn Fahniks werked four mee!
January 6th, 2007 at 5:03 pm
It’s all good
But — can I be Swiss, too?
January 6th, 2007 at 5:31 pm
yeah, I’m in. stoopid peopul hav to stic to gethur.
jost seyin…
January 6th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
You had me at ‘Punctuation Punk’. 4 reals, yo.
January 6th, 2007 at 7:04 pm
*dies laughing*
January 6th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
Dude! Grate post!!! I’m just sayin’, what’s wit this whole grammer police thing anyway. Heh!!!!!
January 6th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Well done! You hit that nail right on the barrel.
January 6th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Eye 4 1, nomanate this’ 2 B, THEE bestest post of da yeer!!!! There’s alot of me in that list!
January 6th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
THE best post EVAH!
I am in awe of your verbal prowess and wicked wit. That was fun!
January 6th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
*Skimming* these is making my teeth ache. Fun? FUN? You call this butchery FUN?
Oh.
January 6th, 2007 at 10:34 pm
BWAAAAAHAAHAA!!! You had me at “appeaselling”. Funniest post I ever red.
January 6th, 2007 at 11:11 pm
Your Wiki quotation would be more impressive were it not for the fact that Wikipedia is written by anyone and everyone that wants to click and type.
January 6th, 2007 at 11:42 pm
Now this is what i am talkin’ about. Count me in!
January 7th, 2007 at 12:21 am
Oh deer. I was with you until you started splitting the hares.
What the fork? I’ll join in as long as you don’t criticise my colon.
January 7th, 2007 at 2:30 am
Totally brilliant post. Your guage might be a little off, though.
(I have to mention that my son has Asperger’s. I agree with Tania the Wiki isn’t exactly a respected source, especially in this case.)
January 7th, 2007 at 8:37 am
HA! They did have rice in the 1700s! We were one of the first to use it for fun! You should seen what did with our gruel!
January 7th, 2007 at 10:07 am
BWA HA HA!
Oh, I am SO in on this!
January 7th, 2007 at 10:13 am
Y’all RAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 7th, 2007 at 11:36 am
Heh. In another of my incarnations, I Fight Crime as Annoying Pedant Girl. But I try to limit my battles to errors of fact rather than errors of grammar or spelling. I just twitch and blink my eyes rapidly when I encounter those. After all, there are only just so many hours in the day.
January 7th, 2007 at 11:47 am
vocabucreationating! *snort* too freakin’ funni!
January 7th, 2007 at 11:47 am
Seriously!!!!!!
Blue skies, Lark
January 7th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
Werd up.
January 7th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
The people’s liberation front of literacy! Splitter!
No No the popular punctuation front!
har har har.
January 7th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
I’m laughing so hard, I’m snorting!
January 7th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Ya know, I love all ya’ll, but I am so glad I don’t have a dog in this fight.
January 7th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
As a former English teacher, my red pen retired along with me, for the most part. But there is one word I draw my line in the sand on. Knitters…if you’re going to be a knitter, for crying out loud, learn to spell gauge. G A U G E. Write it on a post it and stick it on your monitor and refer to it. Drives me batty. There, I feel better know.
January 8th, 2007 at 8:26 am
*dies laughing*
January 8th, 2007 at 8:51 am
you mean wikipedia isn’t fact? bite my tounge!
January 8th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Goody! (Or goodie!) I get to be on both sides of this one!
You didn’t mention the **stars** we use for *reason I forgot*. ***Some*** folks use the stars a ***lot***. These tend to be your :@ emoticonly exuberant types, whose family members have initials like DD and DH.
LOL! LOL! (Can we still say LOL?)
I think the best fun is the intentional and intelligent misuse and abuse of the language. A category in which y’all take the gold. Just sayin. xox Kay
January 8th, 2007 at 10:47 am
LMAO! I love you girls!
January 8th, 2007 at 10:48 am
Ah too funny as the grammar police strike a frightening chord in my heart that as people laugh at my post they also cringe at my bad Engrish! All in good fun though. I have to note that I thought the phrase was “all intensive purposes” rather than “all intents and purposes” doh!
January 8th, 2007 at 10:51 am
I’ll bare my cross with the best of ‘em… ‘course, someone might go blind because of it…
(Trying to think of a way to sneak another ellipsis in there…)
January 8th, 2007 at 11:20 am
I hate, hate, hate gramm-A-r. I did most of my schooling overseas and did not take a grammar class proper until I came back stateside midway through high school. It is a laughable thing when my teenager has a grammar worksheet for homework. Long live the struggle!
January 8th, 2007 at 11:24 am
Fab post! I just beccame a major JenLa fan.
And……what does humor smell like, anyway?
January 8th, 2007 at 11:26 am
The most serious fight my husband and I have ever had was regarding prescriptive vs. descriptive grammar. That fight was so bad, that when people ask us what that means, we actually can’t say, or we won’t speak to each other for hours because of the way he or I describes one of the terms. Really. For the record, I’m LOVING this post. But I won’t be sending it on to him.
January 8th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Thanks, I needed that! (Reclines on back, smokes fake cigarette and remember what writing was like before becoming a court reporter…)
January 8th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
Oh…I am soooo in.
January 8th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
I am once again in awe of your wit and intellect. I sometimes feel unworthy of your blog. Just so you know I know of what you speak, my uncle was the Dean of English at the University of Chicago and wrote text books on rhetoric!!! Imagine my flop sweat every time I wrote him a letter. He never did bring out the red marker, at least not in my presence. I have long ago stopped worrying about grarmmatical correctness, (to a point).
January 8th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Y’all are KILLING me with the funny!
January 8th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
HI, back! I’m confused, though, by the “What, the” comment.
January 8th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
HAHAHAHAHAH!!! Brilliant!
Regards,
Your local “Verbosity Vandal & Ellipsis Enthusiast”
January 8th, 2007 at 10:49 pm
NOTICE I AM IN CAP LOCK?? SOME ONE HELP ME!
Funny post!
January 8th, 2007 at 11:10 pm
This post is bringing here, to me, all my pipples. I..I am overcome with verklemptiness.
January 9th, 2007 at 9:53 am
I love it. I catch myself doing all of those things. This is MY world!!! I can do anything…
January 9th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Absafreakinlootley hillairius post! And I beleev ponchos are thee debil!
hahahahaha!!!……
January 9th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
yer way tooooo funny
January 9th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Oh crap! Someone cleverer than I will have to set up a third side in this war. There are some blog habits/trends/things that bug the piss out of me but most of it I either ignore or don’t know that it’s wrong. Does it have to be one side or the other? All or nothing?
January 9th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
I try my best. Sister Marion would be proud of me, I think, but do we really have to talk English goodly all the time?
I once had a boss, here in Canada, who said she could tell I was American by my overuse of commas.
Li
February 5th, 2007 at 11:08 am
i’m a scard
February 5th, 2007 at 11:08 am
do
February 5th, 2007 at 11:08 am
they
October 18th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
I am a “harty hyfenater” - and at the same time - I am torn between my father’s oft harshly taught spelling and vocabulary strictures and my own downright inability to remember how to spell many words (like - ‘business” - I used to spell it buisness until at the age of - oh 40 something - a nite school teacher gave me a little saying to help me - “the BUS has to come along before I can get on”) - anything with 1 set of double letters and another single letter that could well be a double throws me - so I just double them both. I figure whomever is reading it can just leave out the one that doesn’t belong - I am loving this blog - keep it up - YOU GO GIRL!